The Tour De France Diet | Burn 105k Calories In 21 Days
All the best exercises involve sitting down. Some genius men in questionable lycra have created the perfect diet-and-exercise regime that lets you burn a massive 105,000 calories in 21 days.
That's big stuff. This is how you can do it.
You will need
- A professional-quality road racing bike. They're about £10,000.
- A support crew in a chase car.
- A personal chef.
- Some sexy lycra.
- A yellow jersey.
- A map of France.
The Tour De France is easily the most famous bike race in the world. It takes place across 23 days (there are 2 rest days in there. Lazy.) and involves an average of 89 hours riding. It goes up mountains and along cobbled streets. This race is serious work. Riders burn about 1,180 calories per hour. You burn about 100 in that time. Shameful.
All that riding and this level of calorie burn means eating a lot of food. This is what you'll need:
CARBS ARE YOUR FRIEND. Load up on pasta, bread and rice. Chuck in some protein, so chicken, eggs and salmon are very much on the menu.
You'll be travelling to the start line before the race. Avoid getting peckish by eating a banana or two.
Those sports gels are good. Use them. But check the ingredients... drugs cheats have a habit of being spat at by the crowds (less than ideal).
More carbs. More protein. Have you got any leftovers from breakfast?
Your personal chef will help here. Lots of potatoes and rice to help you pack in even more carbs. Protein is needed to fish and white meat. Sometimes on the same plate. Best not to think about flavour too much.
How to get started
Granted, it helps if you're an elite professional cyclist. All you need to do is attract the eye of one of the team bosses. Really, you want to be aiming for Team Sky. They're the real pros. Maybe pop down to their car park and pull a few wheelies until they notice.
Some stuff that might help
Because we make handmade gifts for basically everyone, we've obviously got the perfect thing to help with all of this. Grab a Bike Riders Essentials Kit and you should probably nail it.
Everybody loves a funny video. Maybe strap your phone to your handlebars and watch this video on the way round. (Absolutely don't do this. It's definitely stupid and probably illegal. We just checked. It's illegal).
You're obviously not going to manage any of this. It would probably kill you. Grab another beer and head back to the couch.